THE STAGE 5 CLINGER, brought to you by a special guest blogger

The decision to join Match was not made alone, a certain friend vowed to take the journey along with me…you could even say she convinced me to join. Her online dating experience consisted of only one man…the stage 5 clinger. Today’s post is brought to you by a special guest blogger, Care124. Take caution from her story below:

Like the DemodeOne I too found myself in a cesspool of uglies on match.com, but I was determined do what I do best, find ways to get free booze and food.

To my pleasant surprise only hours after typing in my mom’s debit card number to pay for my registration, I received a “wink” from a someone without any apparent physical ailments. His name was Eric_90405. I decided to “wink” back and the rest was history. The following week would then become my journey with my stage 5 clinger.

Before even meeting this fellow I had already received multiple texts throughout the days with “ :) “ “!!!!!” “; ) “ and “xoxo”, and the first of many red flags was up. Was he gay? Was he actually a girl? What dude used emoticons like this and the “xoxo” simply terrified me. The “xoxo” is only reserved for Gossip Girl—sorry Eric_90405. But I’ll skip the absurd details of the texts from his dude to share with you how our First and ONLY date went:

- I was taller than him in my heels. His profile says hes 5’10" but, um, that’s a lie. (MINUS 1 point)

- We hade decent conversation and he paid for my meal (PLUS 1 Point) and a bottle of wine (PLUS 5 points)

- He asked me multiple times to come back to his place to “have dessert and watch a movie” –FYI guys, I wasn’t born yesterday. We all know “want to come over and watch a movie” means let's have sex. And although I’m sure most the guys on Match are eager for a boning sesh, he needed to buy me about four bottles of wine to get me on board with that plan (MINUS 1 point).

- He told me about his “trust issues” and that he doesn’t think “Girls Trips” are a good thing for girls with boyfriends. I had lost track of the number of red flags at this point. Sorry I live for girls trips (MINUS 10 points).

The date finally came to an end with one of those hug/kiss on the cheek as he tried to get my lips kinda thing—SO awkward. Of course without fail I also got the usual “goodnight sweet dreams xoxo” text and realized shit this is bad (The point tally system was no longer necessary at this point).

The week following my phone continued to beep off the hook: He was asking if he could take me out, could he make me dinner, could I sleep over, texts with moreee xoxo’s, telling me he told all his co-workers about me and that he liked to look at my profile to look at my pics. (WHO THE FUCK TELLS SOMEONE THAT?) It was after that when I knew I had to kick the clinger to the curb.

I ended things the best way I could--with a little trick I had learned back in 8th grade. I texted him telling him “It’s nothing personal I’m just not ready to date.” He replied to with multiple ":(" …a nice change from his annoying happy faces. Then he asked a question that I, myself couldn’t even answer, “If you don’t want a relationship, why are you on match then?” And with those final words I scrambled for the DELETE button on my Match account.

To answer your question Eric_90405, I was on match to do exactly what I achieved, to get a free dinner and drinks. Thanks : ) : ) : ) xoxo Care 124

Although Care124’s encounter with Eric_90405 was short lived, it obviously had quite an impression on the heartbroken lad. His previous ‘about me’ statement read: “Life is better when you have someone special to share it with.” But after care124 got done with him he decided to go with a more emo public service message: “I’ve heard ‘no more games’ too often out here. Too bad no one means it." BURN.

In honor of this beautiful story, I would like to dedicate the following song to the couple that never was.