the untouchable activenyboyinla

So as you are all well aware of by now, there are not many lookers in the world of online dating, which is why I was forced to break my don’t-initiate-contact rule when I came across a profile that seemed too good to be true. His name was activenyboyinla...It was perfect.

First I sent a wink. I wanted him to notice me, but I didn’t want to be too aggressive (this original philosophy would not hold for long).

It was a significant blow to my self-esteem when a few silent days went by. Maybe he just wasn’t a “wink” type of guy, I thought. It was time to step up my game. So I composed the perfect message…it was completely normal, nice, and even had a tone of friendliness to it, which is really sometimes difficult for me. It read…

Subject: NONE

Hey! I came across your profile and thought I'd say hi. You're from NY I take it? I lived there one summer and I'm obsessed with the city and try to go back as much as possible. How does LA compare for you? Hope to talk soon!

I mean, come on...You don’t get any nicer/more normal than that. I reasoned that this message, coupled with my new profile pic (a certain someone made fun of me for having a profile pic with sunglasses—apparently only ugly people do that), would be a recipe for success. Days went by and NOTHING.

And his profile says “active within 24 hours” so unless my message was lost by the Internet Mailman, I know he read it. Match also has a little system where they try to keep a person’s desperation in line with this running tally system, but I was not deterred.

Next, I did what any normal girl would do, and made my friend Care124 write him an equally pleasant message to see if perhaps blondes just weren’t his type. She got no response either. This was getting ridiculous—Who does this activenyboyinla think he is? How could he not respond to two of match.com’s finest bachelorettes? And more importantly who was he talking too? (the female crop of women on Match is equally as frightening as the mens’). It was time to take action against Mr. Active. So I did what any not-so-normal girl would do and send him a message of a slightly different tone. It read...

Subject: RESPOND...

...if you don’t want to end up here: http://demodeone.blogspot.com/

Needless to say, if he had responded you would not be reading this post. Activenyboyinla did not heed my warning so you know what?? I have one final message for him and that is…

The Mystery Man FromThe305

So today as I was browsing my messages and going through my typical screening process. I like to give all my candidates a fair shot—and by fair I mean I like look at all of their pictures to get a complete assessment of their physical appearance and then judge them accordingly. I was intrigued when I got a wink from this.

If I wanted to see a picture of a boat in the harbor I would consult google images and type in "boat in harbor." I felt the urge to investigate further. And found many unique ways fromthe305 was able to disguise his actual appearance.

I mean I get that he obviously must be unfortunate looking, and therefore has to make sure that all elements of his face are either concealed or small enough that you would need to hold a magnifying glass up to the computer to see, but who does he think he is fooling? I mean what girl would sign up for a date with a guy who thinks his best look is “Scuba”?

His tag line is “We will lie about how we met,” (which, by the way, is far less amusing to me after my date with beachcruiser55), but regardless, he really shouldn’t worry about having to lie to his friends about where he picks up women—he’s a 29 yr old divorce that couldn’t find ONE decent picture of himself, not one. I somehow I doubt that anyone who knew FromThe305 would be shocked he is on Match.com.

THE STAGE 5 CLINGER, brought to you by a special guest blogger

The decision to join Match was not made alone, a certain friend vowed to take the journey along with me…you could even say she convinced me to join. Her online dating experience consisted of only one man…the stage 5 clinger. Today’s post is brought to you by a special guest blogger, Care124. Take caution from her story below:

Like the DemodeOne I too found myself in a cesspool of uglies on match.com, but I was determined do what I do best, find ways to get free booze and food.

To my pleasant surprise only hours after typing in my mom’s debit card number to pay for my registration, I received a “wink” from a someone without any apparent physical ailments. His name was Eric_90405. I decided to “wink” back and the rest was history. The following week would then become my journey with my stage 5 clinger.

Before even meeting this fellow I had already received multiple texts throughout the days with “ :) “ “!!!!!” “; ) “ and “xoxo”, and the first of many red flags was up. Was he gay? Was he actually a girl? What dude used emoticons like this and the “xoxo” simply terrified me. The “xoxo” is only reserved for Gossip Girl—sorry Eric_90405. But I’ll skip the absurd details of the texts from his dude to share with you how our First and ONLY date went:

- I was taller than him in my heels. His profile says hes 5’10" but, um, that’s a lie. (MINUS 1 point)

- We hade decent conversation and he paid for my meal (PLUS 1 Point) and a bottle of wine (PLUS 5 points)

- He asked me multiple times to come back to his place to “have dessert and watch a movie” –FYI guys, I wasn’t born yesterday. We all know “want to come over and watch a movie” means let's have sex. And although I’m sure most the guys on Match are eager for a boning sesh, he needed to buy me about four bottles of wine to get me on board with that plan (MINUS 1 point).

- He told me about his “trust issues” and that he doesn’t think “Girls Trips” are a good thing for girls with boyfriends. I had lost track of the number of red flags at this point. Sorry I live for girls trips (MINUS 10 points).

The date finally came to an end with one of those hug/kiss on the cheek as he tried to get my lips kinda thing—SO awkward. Of course without fail I also got the usual “goodnight sweet dreams xoxo” text and realized shit this is bad (The point tally system was no longer necessary at this point).

The week following my phone continued to beep off the hook: He was asking if he could take me out, could he make me dinner, could I sleep over, texts with moreee xoxo’s, telling me he told all his co-workers about me and that he liked to look at my profile to look at my pics. (WHO THE FUCK TELLS SOMEONE THAT?) It was after that when I knew I had to kick the clinger to the curb.

I ended things the best way I could--with a little trick I had learned back in 8th grade. I texted him telling him “It’s nothing personal I’m just not ready to date.” He replied to with multiple ":(" …a nice change from his annoying happy faces. Then he asked a question that I, myself couldn’t even answer, “If you don’t want a relationship, why are you on match then?” And with those final words I scrambled for the DELETE button on my Match account.

To answer your question Eric_90405, I was on match to do exactly what I achieved, to get a free dinner and drinks. Thanks : ) : ) : ) xoxo Care 124

Although Care124’s encounter with Eric_90405 was short lived, it obviously had quite an impression on the heartbroken lad. His previous ‘about me’ statement read: “Life is better when you have someone special to share it with.” But after care124 got done with him he decided to go with a more emo public service message: “I’ve heard ‘no more games’ too often out here. Too bad no one means it." BURN.

In honor of this beautiful story, I would like to dedicate the following song to the couple that never was.

Nasdaq007

I can understand that writing that initial message to a stranger you would like to make your girlfriend can be a little awkward, which is why I’m happy I never have to do it (I have a strict don’t-initiate-contact rule—it gives me the illusion that I still have my dignity). And I have read my share of awkward messages. But he who calls himself Nasdaq007 really takes the cake. Case and point below...he writes:

Seeking Someone Positive

Obviously your profile caught my eye and I therefore wanted to see if there was a connection. It appears that we have a lot in common according to the ideal match criteria. I believe I fit your profile. Please contact me at your earliest convenience as I would like to see if there is a chance that we can progress things forward :)

I racked my brain about what in my profile could possible indicate we had ANYTHING in common. Sure, I was a little tipsy when I wrote my profile, but I was sure I didn't write anything about wanting to become the mother of two Asian children that "sometimes live at home" according to his profile. Match.com, you better get your shit together if you thinks that when I say I am looking for a tall, White guy, in his twenty’s what I really want is a 5'8 40-yr old Asian father of two.

And shame to you Nasdaq007 for being so deluded as well! My profile clearly states my shallow criterion and you did not meet it one bit.

Needless to say I will not be contacting the James Bond of the Stock Market at my earliest convenience. FAIL!

the beachcruiser55

Upon initial activation of my Match account, my gmail was flooded with notification winks and messages. My confidence was through the roof, I couldn't wait to get home and check out all these suitors (i would never dare log in to match at work. The inter-office humiliation I would be facing is a scandal I am not yet prepared to take on. As I finally began to go through all my message and winks (wtf? I'm guessing it's equivalent to a poke?) my high spirits came crashing down and reality of on-line creepers set in. Old men, bald men, mexican men and other men with other fatal physical flaws starred back. I was on the verge of abandoning ship completely and pulling the short-lived plug of my online dating experience, when a certain headline caught my eye...

It said "I'm ready to lie about how we met" which is kind of funny, but more importantly a requirement for all potential suitors. I looked further at the pictures...Not bad other than possible indication of a receding hairline. I also might have been suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome, but i went ahead and took the plunge anyway.I met him after work where he gave me a choice of 3 restaurants all in close proximity. I chose the Greek place...it was probably the most expensive. Our beautiful first words were as followed:

I say: Hi, I’ve never done this before.

He says: I haven’t either.

I think: Bullshit.

And then I saw what something that confirmed all my worst fears,something I had a feeling about but forced myself to ignore against all better judgment…he not only a receding hair line but the beginnings of a very prominent bald spot smack-dab in the back of his head. My stomach instantly turned, but I dug myself into this hole of mine, so I reluctantly followed inside. The night progressed in a not-so-unbearable manner. A bottle of wine was ordered and I was suddenly a happy camper. I soon recognized this date for what it was—a free meal with an average, but very nice guy, who just happened to get fucked in the hair-gene pool.

The meal was coming to a close, and the dessert menu came. He suggests we walk to frozen yogurt near by. Not wanting to be too much a bitch and bail completely, I counter with the argument that Starbucks is right next door.

At our after-dinner-coffee date the issue of music arises (a make-it or break-it topic in my mind). I mention the Coachella line up and he says quote-un-quote, “Seeing Jay Z would be kind of cool, but I’m not really in to anyone else.”

I had no words for this statement. I mean have YOU SEEN the Coachella line-up?! Tiesto, Guetta, Bennassi, LCD Soundsystem, La Roux, Passion Pit, Kaskade, Deadmau5?!

The final nail in the coffin had been placed—beachcruiser55 did not love raver child.

the beginning of demode

It all started when a friend and I were casual perusing the "free to look" match.com for kicks when we came across a friend's ex-bf. There he was smiling back from the depths of the internet, looking for love...and I was mortified for him.

The following convo went as such:
DEB: I was just talking to someone the other day about what age you become desperate enough to resort to online dating. Apparently the answer is 26.
ME: I'm going on it.
DEB: No, DemodeOne, DONT.
ME: The answer to your previous question is now 22 years old.

My reasons for doing so, however, digress from the usual match.com goer. I would simply liked to be wined and dined after a hards days work, on someone else's dime, and there is a website loaded with not-so-eligible bachelors to do just that.

And thus the dating chronicles for DemodeOne begins...